How did the roll-play go from the perspective of the person who worked with you?Explain

Chapter 13
You Can’t Do It All
Delegating Successfully

Ideally, you’re in a role that allows you to grow. Sometimes
that growth takes place because your job itself evolves. New
technology or business innovations require us to change the
way we accomplish our functions and add value to the organization.
Other times, the function we’ve been performing
stays the same, but we move on to a bigger or different
challenge. The most significant step we take in our growth
is when we move from managing ourselves to managing
others.
When we manage ourselves, we deal with many outside
factors that influence our work product, including how other
people meet their deadlines, time pressures to meet our deadlines,
competing demands from different sources, and changes
to company policies that impact our motivation. Each of us
has our own way of dealing with these variables that allows
us to function effectively.
As soon as we start to manage others, we deal with all of
these same issues multiplied by the number of people we
manage. In addition, we have to figure out how each of
the people we manage handles this balance. That’s a huge
change to our role. The moment we step into a management
function, we realize that dealing with the “people
stuff ” takes the majority of our energy. That’s not good
or bad. It’s just our new reality. When offering a management
role, no one ever says, “Congratulations on your
promotion. By the way, all the stuff you have been doing
so far will now become secondary to everyone else’s personal
issues that you will have to deal with. Welcome to
management.”
Years ago, I was asked to coach a senior manager at a
global publishing company. “Jack” had risen to a significant
rank in the company. With each promotion, Jack was asked
to work on his management style, which many thought was
too abrupt. At each step, he had managed to convince those
above him that he had adjusted his style, but with his latest
promotion, his old behaviors resurfaced. As is our custom
at Exec|Comm when we coach people, I had spoken with
a few of Jack’s colleagues to understand his approach and
demeanor, all at his direction. Coaching only works well if
the person being coached has a say in all elements of the
coaching and knows that nothing is being done behind his or
her back. Coaching is professional development, not a setup
or an intervention.
When I first met with Jack, face-to-face, we had the usual
social chitchat, and then got down to business.
I started with a simple “Tell me about how you manage
your team.”
Jack’s response was true to form and met the description
of his colleagues. He said emphatically and proudly, “I tell all
of my people the same thing. You’re either on my train, or
you’re in front of it.”
His approach was essentially “Get on board with my ideas
or I will run you down.” From having spoken with his colleagues,
I had already learned that, in fact, he didn’t stop
there. He backed up and ran over you again.
I replied, “So how’s that working for you?”
“It’s working just fine for me,” he said, crossing his arms.
“Then why am I here?” I asked.
He shrugged, softened his tone, and said begrudgingly,
“Because the board says if I don’t change my behavior, I’m
fired.” At least he was as direct about his situation as he was
with his staff.
The days of Jack’s preferred shut-up-and-row management
style are long gone. Most people no longer tolerate bullies and
dictators at work. Different industries have different tolerance
levels for managers with a mean streak. But every industry has
its limits. In fact, Jack’s intent wasn’t to be mean. He truly
thought that if everyone just did what he said, the organization
would function more efficiently. It’s a feeling most of us
can admit to having had many times at work (and at home).
We just don’t all behave that way. Given that you have a tremendous
amount of interaction with those you manage, your
management style and approach are huge elements of your
personal message to the world.
The following information on management and leadership
is not about how to be a nicer boss. Your goal at work isn’t to
be nice; it’s to be effective. While some managers do need to
bring out their softer sides at work, others need to be more
assertive. Still others need to be more sequential and structured,
while some need to be less neurotic about the details.
We’ll discuss how each of these approaches plays out while
going through the key functions of managing others.
Communicating effectively as a manager requires the same
overall approach as all communication: you need to focus more
on the other person and less on yourself. In the case of delegating
an assignment, it’s not about what you need. It’s about what
the other person needs in order to give you what you want.
Two of the most basic functions of managing other people
are delegating assignments and giving feedback on those
assignments. We’ll examine delegating here and giving feedback
in the next chapter.
Communicating effectively as a manager requires the same overall
approach as all communication: you need to focus more on the other
person and less on yourself. In the case of delegating an assignment,
it’s not about what you need. It’s about what the other person
needs in order to give you what you want.
The “Who” and the “How”
How do you delegate assignments effectively so that you
(1) get what you want from colleagues? and (2) build your
credibility as both a manager and as someone who is truly
interested in developing other professionals’ skills?
There are six key steps to delegating an assignment effectively.
However, before you delegate the content, you have
to select the correct person for the role. If you work at an
accounting, law, or consulting firm that has an assignment
system in place, this step is already decided for you. At most
organizations, however, you have some say as to whom you
direct work. If you have any discretion over delegating an
assignment, first weigh the time constraints. If the project
needs to be done quickly, give it to someone with experience.
If not, do you have someone who has not had a chance to
work on the skills needed to complete this project? If so, this is
the perfect learning opportunity. Once you’ve decided who is
right for the project, try the following approach.
Step 1: State the Big Picture
Let the person know how what he or she will be working
on fits into the grand scheme of things for your organization
or the client.
First, how does his or her role fit in with the client’s situation?
“Our client, Acme, is being investigated by the state
board of insurance. They have hired us to compile records to
respond to a request for information.”
Second, how does the assignment fit into the firm’s relationships
with the client?
“This is our first opportunity to work with Acme. They
are considering us for a large transaction they anticipate down
the road.”
Third, how does the project fit into the client’s overall
business objective?
“Acme is aiming to become the key insurance provider
in the state and needs a smooth working relationship with
regulators in order to make that happen.”
We all want our work to matter. Particularly in high-end
consulting roles such as law, accounting, and consulting,
much of the substantive work we do is isolating—working by
ourselves at our desks. Helping a junior professional understand
how he is part of a greater firm effort is important for
helping that person contribute his best. The same is true of
the administrative staff members who are indispensable to
our work.
Step 2: Identify the Specific Assignment
and Determine Expectations
First, clearly state for the person exactly what you want her
to do.
“I need you to review three years’ worth of records looking
for X.”
Second, find out how you can help the associate do her
job well. This will require suspending assumptions and
asking good probing questions, such as we discussed in
Chapter 5.
“Have you done this type of project before?”
If the answer is “Yes,” ask, “What was the context?” or
“How did you go about doing the project,” so that you fully
understand what the associate thinks the job entails. If the
answer is “No. I have never worked on something like this,”
you will know that you will have to explain not only what
to do, but how to do it. You will also have to manage the
person’s work more closely.
Step 3: Explain the Roles of Others
Help the person know who else is working on different elements
of the project. This will not only give her a sense that
her work impacts others, but will help her understand her
resources.
“Carmen is the relationship manager for this client. Tom
is pulling everything together. I am overseeing all of the due
diligence, and Jennifer is coordinating the logistics. I am getting
on a plane tomorrow and will be in Memphis for the
next two weeks. I will respond to any emails quickly, but
go to Tom or Jennifer if you need to a quick response to
something.”
Step 4: Explain the Reasons for Selecting This
Individual, Especially the Benefits to Him or Her
“This will be a great opportunity for you to interact with
Tom. You’ll learn a lot” or “This will be an opportunity to
develop a new skill set.”
Obviously, don’t lie or overpromise. Many assignments
you delegate do not involve a huge learning curve for the
other person or an opportunity to work on an exciting
initiative. In that situation, don’t be afraid to acknowledge
that fact and express to the person that you appreciate her
part in this larger project.
“I know you just returned from four weeks doing similar
work in Outer Mongolia. This is an important part of this
initiative, and I need someone with experience who appreciates
how important it is that this be done correctly.”
Step 5: Explain the Next Steps
Be clear as to how you want the person to begin work on
the assignment and what work product you expect to see at
the end.
“You need to begin by contacting Jennifer. She knows
where all of the documents are and can explain how they are
organized.”
Make sure your deadlines are clear.
“Email me the finished spreadsheet by next Tuesday.
What else is on your plate? Anything that would keep you
from meeting this deadline?”
Based on your experience with the junior colleague, you
also need to know how often you will need to check in
with her. If you delegate the assignment on Wednesday and
it is due the following Tuesday, don’t wait until Tuesday
morning to call the associate. Call on Friday to check on the
progress. When you say, “How’s the assignment coming?” I
guarantee the answer will be “Great,” which usually means
“Gee, I’d better get started on that assignment.” If the assignment
is due Tuesday, the next steps should include: “Send
me an email on Friday morning letting me know your progress,
whether you have uncovered anything yet, and what
questions you have about the process.”
Step 6: Summarize What You Want the Person to Do
If it isn’t a significant assignment, have her summarize it so
you both know you are clear as to what needs to happen.
You can avoid sounding patronizing if you phrase the request
appropriately.
“Just so we are both clear as to what you will be doing,
please repeat back to me the scope of the project and your
next steps.”
In short, you have a better chance of receiving work product
that meets your needs if you delegate the work appropriately
at the start.
This process may sound cumbersome and lengthy, but it
doesn’t need to be. In fact, depending on the scope of the
task or assignment, the entire conversation doesn’t need to
take more than two or three minutes, all with a better outcome.
The result is that you are more likely to get what you
want and need the first time you ask.
How Does This Play Out in Light
of Your Communication Style?
If your tendency is to be abrupt and you’re known for having
a demanding tone of voice, focus on where in the process
you need to ask more questions.
If you’re known for sounding hesitant and less assertive,
get comfortable with giving clear directions and don’t apologize
when you check in to see how the person is coming
along. Checking in doesn’t suggest a lack of trust. It promotes
accountability and will help the person feel supported.
If you know you have a looser, sometimes scattered, more
creative style of communicating, use notes to stay on track
and hit on all of these points. Otherwise, you’ll be halfway
out the door and have to turn back as you remember to tell
people what resources they have to help with the assignment,
when it’s due, or exactly what you expect to see at the
end. They will take the assignment in the light in which you
deliver it. They will think it’s not that important, not that
specific, or that the timetable is fluid. Then, when you get
back a work product that isn’t what you wanted, your deliverable
will be late to your manager and you’ll confirm your
reputation as someone loose with deadlines or haphazard in
his management style.
If you know you micromanage or provide too much
detail, keep each step short and provide only what information
is necessary for the person to accomplish his or her
role. People don’t need to know everything you know.
You’re providing enough background to give them context,
not because the background itself is interesting. Remember,
“What additional information would be helpful to you?” It’s
a great question in lots of settings.
Your work product is a reflection of your professionalism.
It’s part of your message about yourself to your business
community. As a manager, the way to delegate assignments
is, in part, your work product. Your message to the people
under you is that you care about their development and you
care that they do a good job. That’s a strong message to
convey.

Chapter 18
Inspire and Influence
Leading Others
“Congratulations. We’re making you partner (or MD, or SVP,
etc.). Now what have you done for us lately?”
At some point in the discussions with your firm or company
about moving to the next stage of your career, you
realized that the “promised land” that you had been viewing
over the wall was, in fact, a heavily tilled and managed garden
that required a great deal of work to maintain. If you work
in law, accounting, or consulting, the partnership landscape
today involves heavy emphasis on partner production rates,
work generation credits, and responsibility to participate in
more committees than you realized existed. If you’ve been
promoted to the next level in finance or another corporate
setting, the excitement about potential benefits can cloud
your view of the complexity of the obligation. For some, the
euphoria of receiving the promotion wears off faster than the
buzz from the celebration your spouse threw for you.
We all know people who started down a particular career
path because they weren’t sure what else to do, and that’s
fine. You have to start somewhere. But no one becomes a
senior leader in an organization because he or she “couldn’t
think of anything else to do.” It takes too much work. Getting
where you are took dedication and strategy—and probably
a little bit of luck. The planning that allowed you to
make it to this point is evidence that you want more than a
job—you want a career. That career path doesn’t end with
your current role. If you made partner or managing director
at your firm in your thirties, and you plan to work into your
sixties, it’s silly to think that you won’t grow and develop
for the next 30 years. The planning that it took to reach this
point was practice for the planning that will take you to the
next level.
Every senior executive title in an organization is, de facto,
a leadership role. However, not everyone with the title is a
leader. Those who rise above the functional skills of their
jobs are those who distinguish themselves as strategic thinkers
and broad-based contributors and who place themselves
in the running for more significant roles. Regardless of how
you define yourself within your organization, you will have
to demonstrate leadership skills, whether in leading your
team, your practice area, your office, a particular initiative
for the organization, or in leading ideas for your specialty in
the larger business community.
In any bookstore, you can find shelf after shelf of books
on leadership. Most are written by current leaders in business
or politics or sports. Each has its own five-point plan or
seven-step structure or ten-element pyramid principle. Each
is worthy in its own right, and each will tell you what you
already know: your leadership ability depends in large part on
your ability to determine what you stand for, where you want
to take your followers, and how you want to get there. These
concepts are often referred to as your values, your vision, and
your plan. One skill common to all effective leaders is the ability
to articulate each of these elements, making superior communication
skills an essential part of your leadership ability.
The one absolute necessity of a leader is a group of followers.
Without other people, all the other elements of leadership
leave us nothing more than potential. Leadership is,
therefore, all about others—the ability to connect with them,
the ability to inspire them, and the ability to guide them. It’s
not about you.
Let’s look at how you can communicate your values, your
vision, and your plan, whether in writing, speaking, or meeting
with others. In each section we will focus on structuring
your message to help your reader or listener effortlessly follow
your thoughts. We will also consider the best language
to use when communicating complex ideas. There is a better
chance others will continue to follow you if your vision and
your path are clear and easy to understand.
Your Values
Strong leaders know themselves. They understand their
strengths and their weaknesses and accommodate both—
leverage their strengths and account for their weaknesses.
Some people are innately introspective and therefore have a
firm understanding of who they are and how they view themselves
in the context of society. Others need help in putting
language to what they know about themselves. Many personality
profiles exist, both simple and complex, that can help
you understand yourself. For the purpose of discussing your
communication skills as a leader, we will assume you have
already grappled with and come to some conclusion about
who you are. Now the challenge becomes putting words
around that personal message.
A leader takes his or her followers on a journey. How do
you describe what you stand for in a manner that makes your
audience want to join you on that trek? You must consider
two steps when explaining to others the journey on which
you want them to embark. First, the message must be about
how your values impact your audience, rather than you.
Second, the language you use must be effortless for your
audience to understand. We’ve covered some of this in earlier
chapters of this book. We’ll now apply those concepts
to you as a leader.
Political leaders tend to describe their values with greater
clarity than do leaders in industry, sports, or the military, in
large part because their descriptions of themselves are what
gain them their positions. Successful U.S. presidents have
described themselves with a wide array of values. Harry Truman
made a point of saying, “The buck stops here,” making
accountability to the American people the cornerstone of his
ethos. Teddy Roosevelt’s “Walk softly but carry a big stick”
was reinforced by his “Don’t hit at all if you can avoid it, but
never hit soft.” His words helped Americans feel strong and
secure on the world stage as the nation approached its adolescence.
John Kennedy’s “Ask not what your country can
do for you, ask what you can do for your country” was his
way to make personal service the principle that would lead to
achievements like the Peace Corps.
Whether your statement of values focuses on integrity or
valor or street smarts or anything else, you must be able to
phrase your values as being about others. Below are some
common attributes of a leader, explained to an audience
using both leader-centered language and audience-centered
language.
Leader-Centered
Language
Audience-Centered
Language
“I stand for integrity.” “You deserve someone you can
trust.”
“I want the world to be
a better place.”
“Your children deserve a more
just society.”
“I believe in hard work.” “You want a leader who works
as hard as you do.”
In most business settings, we don’t have the opportunity
or need to discuss ourselves or our plans on a philosophical
basis. Most of our days are less “rendezvous with destiny”
and more “committee meeting at 3:00.” Nevertheless, our
message about ourselves remains important.
Leader-Centered
Language
Audience-Centered
Language
“I want a better work
environment.”
“You deserve a civil, open
workplace.”
“I believe in work-life
balance.”
“You want to see your kids on more
than just the weekends.”
“I want us to be known
as the best structured
finance team in the
country.”
“You want to be part of a nationally
recognized and respected team.”
In each case, by phrasing the content from the audience’s
perspective, you as a leader will have a better chance to connect
with your audience members and encourage them to
join in the journey.
Use Clear Language
Once you have adopted an audience-centered mind-set, you
then have to select the right language.
Leaders inspire. Your challenge is to describe your values
to others in language that motivates them. Some key points
and suggestions for understanding your natural inclinations
regarding language:
Always Remain Upbeat
No one wants to follow a sourpuss. Your message must talk
about striving to improve, not about avoiding difficulty.
That’s why Ronald Reagan’s “Morning in America” campaign
provided a welcome respite from the dour message of
resignation that Jimmy Carter seemed to embody.
Use Simple, Direct Language
You don’t motivate people by impressing them with your
vast vocabulary. You get them on board when they easily
understand your message. With the right language, you can
phrase key ideas simply and significantly.
Abraham Lincoln’s second inaugural address was only
701 words long. Although 505 of them were single-syllable
words, “With charity toward all. With malice toward none”
rings in our ears as the epitome of elegance.
Re-read your latest speech, presentation, or memo. Did you
use any words that would qualify as jargon or unusual? Did
you use acronyms with which certain members of the audience
might not have been familiar? Ask yourself whether your audience
would have intuitively understood the language you used.
Keep Your Sentences Short
Once a sentence approaches 20 words, it becomes cumbersome.
Your listeners and readers will find it harder to grasp
concepts hidden in long sentences.
Again, consider your last memo. Count the number of
words in each sentence for at least 10 consecutive sentences.
Determine the average. Is it below 20? If so, you are starting
in a solid position.
Pay Close Attention to the Verbs You Use
Review your last speech or key memo to your staff. Circle
the verbs you used in each sentence. How often does the verb
describe real action? How often did you use weak or passive
verbs such as “is,” “are,” “was,” “were,” “has,” or “have”?
What other word in the sentence would have described better
action? Some simple examples:
Weak Verb Phrasing: “We are hard-working.”
Better Verb Phrasing: “We work hard.”
Weak: “Our Structured Finance group is the leader in the
industry.”
Better: “Our Structured Finance group leads the way.”
Weak: “Our clients are pleased with our work.”
Better: “Susan asked me to tell you how much she appreciated
all our hard work.”
Use the Word “You” Often
We are all basically self-focused. To other people, our issues
are always, out of necessity, secondary to their issues.
Search your entire document for any personal pronouns (I,
me, my, mine, you, your, we, our). If you have fewer than five
personal pronouns per hundred words, see where you can add
some. Aim for two “you”s for every “I.”
Your Vision
To lead people, you must know where you want to take them
and articulate it clearly. Your vision is broader than a set of
specific actions, but more concrete than a vague statement of
ideals. It’s a long-range goal for how you want your team or
organization to be structured and function. It is, ultimately,
where you are telling your followers that they are headed.
Martin Luther King, Jr., verbalized his quest for equality
through his vision that his children could one day be “judged
not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their
character.” Note that he didn’t define success as the passage
of a particular law. He defined success as an innate change in
people’s hearts. He was leading us to evolution rather than
revolution.
Leading is about others. But leading others to be complacent
or to wallow in their own pity isn’t the goal of a positive,
effective leader. Great leadership is about challenging
and motivating others to achieve, to improve, and to grow.
As with your statement of values, your vision must be
about others rather than about you, and it must be expressed
in language that engages and motivates. Whether your vision
is about creating the most respected M&A practice in the
country, about doubling the size of your Cleveland office,
or about developing a reputation as creative problem-solvers
for your clients, you have to express the ideas with the same
clarity with which you expressed your values.
If you reviewed the minutes of the last meeting you led,
would you read a clearly articulated statement of where your
firm is headed? How much of the language pertains to your
group’s performance to date, rather than to the goal for the
next 12 months? Does where you are now bear any resemblance
to the goal you set for yourself last year? If the current
plan is not designed to get you where you want to go, determine
whether the goal is SMART:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Relevant, and
Time-bound
If your vision doesn’t meet these criteria, you can’t achieve
it, because it isn’t well defined.
Your Plan
Once you have articulated your vision and ensured that
everyone understands it, you must determine what steps
are needed to reach that goal. As with your values and your
vision, when you communicate your plan, you must stay
focused on your followers’ needs and use language with
which they can connect.
For instance, your company determines that doubling the
size of your department is essential to staying competitive.
The company’s executive committee will undoubtedly convey
to the entire organization what steps must be taken to
make this happen. In business, we tend to be very good about
telling the people below us what has to happen. We tend to
be exceptionally good at telling them when it has to happen.
(Yesterday would be nice.) However, we often come up short
when conveying why the goal is important. Even when we
do cover the why of an issue, we often forget to focus on the
why from the perspective of the individual we want to lead.
From whose perspective do we explain why?
Why from the company’s perspective:
“To maintain this company’s reputation for innovation.”
Why from the department’s perspective:
“To help the R&D group become a key driver of revenue
for the organization.”
Why from the individual engineer’s perspective:
“To give you greater professional opportunities and a
richer career.”
The closer we can tie a particular set of objectives to the individual
we seek to lead, the better chance we have to connect.
Structuring Each Message
As a leader, the motivation for your public speaking falls into
three general categories: to persuade, to inform, and to inspire.
In earlier chapters in this book we discussed different formats
for your content, depending on whether you want to be
persuasive or informative. Let’s discuss here how to inspire.
To Inspire
When you want to inspire people to move forward, stories
should drive your message. Few people are persuaded by data.
We need to know our data so we can back up the claims in
our stories, but it’s the stories that engage people. When you
inspire, you aren’t selling people widgets. You are selling an
idea. Most of us cannot process an idea on its own. We need
context—a story, an example, an anecdote—to make the
concept real. That’s why business school, where the content
is conceptual rather than concrete, is driven by the case study
method of learning. Law school, similarly, is driven by the
case method. The cases are the stories that bring the concepts
to life. When you want to inspire your audience, hone the
message you want the audience to take from the meeting,
then reflect on the stories from your experience that demonstrate
the point you want to make. You should keep your
stories short and upbeat. Focus the story on the very specific
point you want to convey. See Chapters 1 and 2 of this book
on messaging and storytelling for more specifics.
Your Actions
Your actions are your most forceful message about yourself
and your beliefs. As a leader, you can talk a good game about
supporting others, but if you consistently arrive late for meetings
or play with your phone or BlackBerry while others
speak, your lack of consideration is what people notice, comment
on to each other, and factor into their overall impression
of your professionalism and stature. You are a busy
professional. So are the people who work with you. Your
consideration of their time commitments and their need for
the information that only you can provide contribute in large
part to their willingness to get behind your ideas.
Years ago, I taught a program for the more senior leaders
at the financial services firm Smith Barney. The president
of the company attended the program, along with about a
dozen other senior leaders. During each break in the day-long
program, participants spent most of their downtime reading
and responding to emails on their BlackBerrys. (This was in
the days before smartphones.) As I called the group’s attention
back to the class at the end of each break, the president
echoed my invitation to return to the discussion, and then
added, “Let me get rid of this thing,” as he shut down his
BlackBerry and threw it into his briefcase. He wasn’t thinking
out loud. He was sending a very direct message by modeling
the behavior he expected from his team. It worked.
Participants understood the message that their full attention
to the discussion at hand was expected.
Summary
As you develop your leadership skills, consciously consider
how you have verbalized your messages about your values,
your vision, and your plan. Then consider how your actions
have reinforced or detracted from those messages. Your audience
absorbs information as a package, factoring in both what
you say and how you say it. They then compare the words
with the actions observed. Many people continually watch
for inconsistencies. Your job as a leader is to ensure that the
message they hear from you matches the message they experience
from you daily.
By achieving the next stage in your career path, you have
advanced in your leadership role in your organization. Congratulations.
Don’t view it as a reward for past performance.
View it instead as a vote of confidence in the values you
project, the future you envision for the organization, and the
strategic skills you have demonstrated thus far. When you are
trusted with a leadership role, it means your superiors recognize
that you have consistently put the greater good of your
company or firm ahead of short-term benefits to yourself.
The reward is more intrinsic: it’s the opportunity to see your
followers act upon your values and vision. Ultimately, your
leadership isn’t about you. It’s about them.

Chapter 19
From Invincibility to Authenticity
Showing Vulnerability
To lead, we must instill confidence in others.
Confidence comes from an inner sense of self-respect and
self-awareness. You know you have accomplished many
things personally and professionally. You are also aware that
those accomplishments were not achieved without the help
of others. And you are very well aware of how much more
you have to learn and grow. In short, true confidence is born
from having perspective.
Be proud of what you have accomplished. You worked
hard. You leveraged your talents. You had impact. That’s
great. You also made mistakes along the way. So will the
people under you and those following you. Part of your ability
to help them is to show them what you learned from
your mistakes. Your ability to demonstrate growth, admit to
failures, and show vulnerability will help other people relax,
embrace change, and let go of their anxieties.
What does it mean to show vulnerability? It’s not about
apologizing or repeatedly admitting weakness. That’s not
attractive, appropriate, or truthful, given that you got where
you are because of your achievements, not in spite of them.
Showing vulnerability, at its most basic core, is being honest.
It is presenting a complete picture of yourself to your audience.
In Chapter 4 on presence, we discussed the importance
of bringing your genuine self to your interactions with others.
You have more impact and are more readily accepted if other
people feel they are getting the “genuine you,” rather than a
guarded or filtered version. And the genuine or authentic you
has shortcomings. Acknowledging those shortcomings won’t
hamper you. It will allow you to come across in a healthier
and more holistic way.
We tend to avoid sharing stories of our shortcomings out
of fear—fear that we will be exposed, rejected, or hurt.
Fear of Being Exposed
I’m the leader. I should know all the answers. I should be on top of
the details. What if they find out I’m just making it all up as I go
along? I’ll lose credibility. I’ll be exposed.
In the movie Saving Private Ryan, Tom Hanks leads his platoon
through one battle after another to find Private Ryan and
bring him to safety. He makes very tough decisions, shows grit
and determination, remains steadfast to his mission, and has
the full support of his men. In addition to dodging the enemy,
he repeatedly dodges questions about his profession before the
war. His men ask him occasionally, and because he ignores the
question, they hint at a number of jobs that define a tough,
in-the-trenches, dangerous, risk-taking life. It’s only late in the
movie that he reveals he taught English at a high school in
Addley, Pennsylvania, and coached the local baseball team. He
was concerned that if his men saw him as just an ordinary mortal,
they would lose faith. In fact, they were more impressed
and inspired and saw him as an even greater leader.
In truth, we don’t have to worry about being exposed.
We already are. No one thinks you’re perfect, certainly not
those with whom you work closely. They are all well aware
of your shortcomings as a leader, a co-worker, a professional.
In fact, their version of your shortcomings might be radically
different from your own.
Acknowledging your shortcomings is a way of managing
someone else’s misperception of you. Because of the distance
that business hierarchies create, leaders are sometimes perceived
by those they lead as arrogant, distant, or aloof. Those
may be misperceptions. You may, in fact, be fairly humble
about your abilities, want to reach out more than time
allows, and think you are, in fact, a warm and fuzzy person.
Acknowledging your shortcomings, whatever they are, will
allow those on your team to realize there is a full, dynamic,
honest, and grounded leader at the helm of the organization.
The irony is that, when expressing our shortcomings, we need
to do so with confidence. If you seem nervous when expressing
that you’re not perfect, you convey that you think you should
be perfect. This is unrealistic. Don’t equate acknowledging your
flaws with expressing shame. In Chapter 4, we talk about effective
delivery styles that allow you to come across as confident.
Employing those skills remains important, even when you are
acknowledging that you don’t have all the answers.
Fear of Being Rejected
Here are two broad generalizations about human behavior:
(1) We fear what we don’t understand and (2) We don’t
understand what is different from ourselves. We have made
tremendous strides in the last few decades at being more
comfortable with diversity in our lives, and not just in terms
of the basics—how we look and where we come from—but
in terms of the more intrinsic and hard-to-quantify elements
of ourselves—how we think and behave. Nevertheless, we
have a long way to go.
The more other people get to know the “authentic you,” the more
likely they are to realize that, as a complete person, you aren’t that
different from how they are.
The more other people get to know the “authentic
you,” the more likely they are to realize that, as a complete
person, you aren’t that different from how they are.
Rejection becomes less likely. Let’s say we’re at a meeting
and I listen to what you perceive as a success or failure,
and I think to myself: “I would have approached that situation
completely differently or reached the opposite conclusion.”
Part of my brain will still likely recognize your
approach as similar to what I have observed in someone
else in my life. Even though you’re not like me, you’re just
like other people I know.
You became more familiar. You’re less scary. Your
thoughts and perspectives, while not the same as mine,
aren’t that different from others I have experienced. I may
not agree with your opinion, but I don’t reject you as a
person because I recognize in you what I have seen in
many others. And if I see that connection with you, I’m
more confident you will see that connection with me. I’ll
be more open to sharing my thoughts and opinions, even
my feelings. While before I might have tolerated diverse
opinions, now I’ll welcome them, and in return, I’ll be less
concerned about being rejected.
The Authentic Lucy
My daughter repeatedly asked me to sign her up for
gymnastics camp. I kept avoiding it because the camp
was for 4- to 12-year-olds, and since she was 4, I knew
she would be one of the youngest in the class. I worried
for her. Deep down inside, I was nervous that she
wouldn’t make friends, that everyone would be better
at gymnastics than she was, and that ultimately, she
would feel left out.
When she asked for the umpteenth time, I told her,
“Honey, the other kids will all be bigger, and will probably
have done gymnastics before.”
She looked me right in the eyes and said “It’s okay,
Mommy. I’ll just say, ‘Hi, my name is Lucy. What’s
your name?’”
I was shocked. She was right. Her approach to meeting
new people was simple and authentic. She knew
she wouldn’t be able to hide that she was smaller than
the other girls. Once she got on the mats, she wouldn’t
be able to pretend she knew what she was doing. Yet,
rather than allowing that to limit her, she would tackle
it head-on and just say hello. It’s exactly how I try to be
in the corporate world, but often fail because so many
insecurities pop up. Will they think I’m smart? Is my
experience impressive enough? Will the other person
want to talk back if I strike up a conversation?
I think about my daughter’s innocence and have
to wonder what went wrong over the years to make
me tense up the moment I have to say, “Hi, my name
is Rachel.” As human beings, our self-consciousness
builds as we get older. We close off to new people
because we think they may reject us. A situation makes
us uncomfortable, so we turn our backs and run the
other way. Our pure intentions to strike up a friendly
conversation are overshadowed by our fear that others
are judging us. We feel vulnerable.
Think differently the next time you have the opportunity
to meet someone new, to put yourself “out
there.” Take your lead from the kids on this one. Watch
a child’s enchantment with another child. It is genuine
and straightforward. Be brave with your initial hello.
Fear of Being Hurt
We all want to be included. It’s normal to fear exclusion. While
some people develop a thicker skin and are more comfortable in
a career such as sales, where rejection is part of the daily routine,
no one enjoys rejection. Let’s say I meet with a client in response
to a need he has identified. I get back to him with a proposal.
We go back and forth on structure of the program, timing, and
pricing. Ultimately, the client decides to go with another provider.
It’s inevitable that I will be left with a bruised ego. The
client rejected me, and rejection can sting. Most of the time we
need to let go of that voice and recognize the client didn’t reject
us; he or she rejected our solution.
We make the rejection personal when we’re all wrapped
up in ourselves. That’s why, if you focus less on yourself and
more on the other person, it’s easier to put yourself out there
and take risks. You’re not afraid of being hurt because it’s not
about you. You can even be vulnerable or tell a story that risks
you looking less than because you’re not telling the story to
make yourself the center of attention. You’re telling the story
and sharing a shortcoming because it helps someone else.
I was one of the shiest, most awkward kids in my high school
class. Picture the nerdiest kid in your high school. Remember
him? I was so awkward, he would have thought he was too cool
to hang out with me. But now I get up in front of hundreds
of people at a time to talk about having presence. I’m still
nervous when I do so, but I can do it relatively easily because,
at some point, I realized that when I’m in front of the room,
people aren’t really looking at me. They’re looking through me to
see whether there’s some benefit there for them. I’m not the
center of attention; I’m a conduit for an idea that might help
them. I like to help people, so as long as I’m just the catalyst for
their learning, the anxiety and shyness dissipate.
People in the room want to see you succeed. There is
nothing in it for them if you fail; they just have to sit through
one more boring meeting. They are not only hoping you are
interesting, but they are actively trying to be interested in
your topic. In other words, the audience is on your side.
Now, when you share something that shows you’re human
like your listeners are, you not only have allies, but you have
compatriots—people who empathize and support you.
Being authentic doesn’t mean you always have to talk
about failures. You can talk about a success and the hurdles
you had to overcome to achieve it. You can acknowledge
adversity or share the sacrifices that you made to get where
you are. You can admit that you’ve accomplished what you
have because of the amazing team of people who have supported
you at different points in your life. You can share
feelings. If I know you were excited or disappointed, or sad
or concerned, I can connect better with you.
When you are a leader, your team wants to know where
you stand on issues, not just what decision you’ve made. You
achieve better buy-in on your decisions, and greater respect
for those decisions, if your audience knows how you reached
certain conclusions. Use phrases that expose the underlying feelings
that guided your decisions. A simple “I’ve decided . . .” is
authoritarian. Other phrases bring out the authentic you.
“I believe. . . .” (“Believe” is a powerful word.)
“My perspective is. . . .” (“Perspective” acknowledges opinion,
rather than a claim of an absolute.)
“I feel lucky that. . . .” (“Lucky” conveys humility.)
When the wide receiver makes the touchdown and then
throws himself into the stands, or looks to the heavens and
mouths “thank you,” or looks into the camera and shouts,
“Hi, Mom!,” what’s he doing? He’s saying, “I didn’t do this by
myself. I had help.” He’s acknowledging that he’s needy, and
we love him for it, even when he’s playing for the other team.
The best way to allow your vulnerability to show through
is by telling stories, personal stories that share an emotion.
See Chapter 2 on storytelling to learn how to elicit an emotional
response from your audience.
Showing one’s authentic self is an effective means to project
confidence. Some professionals, however, project attitude or
arrogance, mistakenly thinking those demeanors suggest confidence.
Don’t do that. It won’t be helpful to you.
Having Impact on Many Levels
Years ago, I coached a senior executive in the insurance
industry. Steve had written a speech that he’d be
delivering at an upcoming industry event. The stakes
were high, and he wanted to make sure he delivered his
speech in an impactful way.
At the beginning of our session, I asked Steve to
deliver his speech. It was anything but impactful. He
did what many presenters do with word-for-word
speeches; he simply read it. Who wants to be read to?
To make matters worse, his voice was flat, his face
showed no expression, and his eye focus was nonexistent.
He grasped the lectern as if holding on for dear
life.
Yet, in his speech, he shared a story. It was about
a family in which the father, a trucker, was killed in a
freak accident, leaving behind a wife and four children.
The father had recently considered purchasing life
insurance, but in the end opted out. Steve described the
serious financial struggles this family experienced after
the father’s death. As he neared the end of the story,

I heard Steve’s voice crack—just for a split second— and I asked him: “Wait a minute, is this your family’s story?” With a tear in his eye, he nodded. We took his speech and threw it out. I encouraged Steve to step out from behind the lectern and simply tell his story. As vulnerable as he felt, he agreed to try it.

What a difference.
Speaking from the heart allowed Steve to deliver his story in a genuine and compelling way. He drew in his audience in a way that would have been impossible
had he stuck with his word-for-word speech. After the industry event, one of Steve’s colleagues called me. He shared that Steve captivated the audience to the point

Use the attached document to answer the following questions.

1) One thing you wanted to practice from the reading assignment

2) Who is the person you chose to help you practice

3) How did you prepare for the roll-play

4) How did the roll-play go in your opinion

5) How did the roll-play go from the perspective of the person who worked with you

6) What did you learn

7) What would you want to change if you were to do it again

8) What are 3 main points that stand out to you in the reading assignment

9) Share an example of a personal application that applies to the reading

10) What you agree with and what you disagree with in the reading

11) Ask a question about what you read that you don’t understand

 

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